I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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