everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
