peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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