I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize