I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
