dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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