Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
