So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
