Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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