I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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