I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
