I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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