I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
