why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize