life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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