What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
