Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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