Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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