Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
