omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
