Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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