I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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