I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
