Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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