I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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