I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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