How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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