The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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