I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize