I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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