OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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