I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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