The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
