how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
