No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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