Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I lost the right to judge tonight
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
