My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
