Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
