Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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