after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
