This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
