She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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