Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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