Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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