did you get engaged???
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
