Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
