someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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