i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
