At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
