no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
