Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
