Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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