i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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