Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
