She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
