yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
