U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
