found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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