I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
