Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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