wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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